<P><B><JC>The Elf
<P>A tale of ointment and Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy references.  
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<P>Then the elves (Remember them? Yeah, they were here earlier in the story) shot him in the face with crossbows. This caused a revolution of massive proportions in which absolutely fuck all happened. Thus, the elves went back to Elfdonia to collect their pensions from the local post office. And then off to the shops to buy something large and jagged to shove right up Yardbombs holographic cat. Upon seeing that this did not inflict any damage, they went to have a drought of Dwarven Mine, Pale Ale.  
<P>After entering the bar the elves ordered 20 kegs of demick demon wine. suddenly a griffin bursts through the window and started to masturbate furiously in plain sight of every elf within. One Elf stared in disbelief, then at his pint of Dwarven ale, then at the griffin again. With a cry of "Never again!" he chucked his glass onto the floor and left the bar.
<P>The elf started to walk down a dark ally behind the bar.
<P>The elf was rubbing his eyes and yelling it burns! when he slipped and fell down a hole in the ground. he took a match out of his pocket, lit it on his shoe and saw a large, hunched over troll. Who had really bad breath, an unsharpened club, and happened to look like guybrush Threepwood with a Co. Sanders doll. The troll, having a Co. Sanders doll, told him, "Me make Kentucky Fired Elf now." And the elf replied screw you asshole!
<P>The elf turned and ran.
<P>And ran.
<P>And ran.
<P>And ran right into a vat of 11 secret herbs and spices.   Suddenly the guybrush like troll bashed through the wall holding its Co. Sanders doll yelling ITS FINGER LICKING GOOD KIDDIES!!!!!! the elf (whose name is now Mac) grabbed some random herbs and threw them at the guybrush like troll's eyes.
<P>AHH ITS BURN LIKE HOT CHICKEN GREASE yelled the troll. no it burns like seeing a griffin masturbate foo! shouted Mac. then Mac ran off down a tunnel not even noticing the sign above the tunnel saying "Do not run down this tunnel as it is structurally unstable," right next to the sign saying Entry into this tunnel will result in a nuclear attack upon a small, neutral country.
<P>The elf looked about him but saw nothing in the gloom.  Then, suddenly, a freight train came through the tunnel, laying the track before it and splattering the elf across its' front.
<P>* * *
<P>Meanwhile a bent old man cackled madly toasting his frosty buns over the ravaged mass of the small neutral country. He then cooked some hot dogs too(you thought I was being dirty didn't you)and had a good dinner. Afterwards he staggered away towards Australia to further his plans to force a number of carefully chosen nations into draconian economic policies through the international monetary organization, which he controlled. According to his plans, the corpses of all the children that would die from starvation as a result of such policies, once buried, would change the soils' color in the aforementioned regions and give place to a portrait of his own apish face upon the planet as seen from outer space.  BUT he was not aware that he was NOT human but was in fact the cyborg pawn of huge multinational companies hell-bent on world domination so their bosses' buttocks could have enough room to expand. He was not programmed with this and was instead designed to think he was genuinely acting on his initiative and doing the right thing.
<P>Meanwhile, the elf used his non-crushed hand to peel himself from the front of the train as it pulled into Kings Cross station, and went off in search of a bride, named Flinavi'ithna Dribbletit XLIX.
<P>He never found her, but he did manage to find a small iced bun with raisins in it. For lack of anything else to do he ate it, and then engaged himself with throwing small pebbles at the ducks and pretending he was urinating on the pavement whenever anybody walked past.
<P>He never found her, but he did manage to find a small iced bun with raisins in it. For lack of anything else to do he ate it, and then engaged himself with throwing small pebbles at the ducks and pretending he was urinating on the pavement whenever anybody walked past.  
<P>Then the elf put a hockey mask on and became JASON X(bum bum BUUUUUUM) after killing all of the ducks he made a coat out of their bodies. Mac Jason x the elf ran down the side walk screaming "ITS TIME TO PUT THIS BAD DOG TO SLEEEP" suddenly the sky turned dark for a Bynordian battle fleet was, at that very moment, preparing itself to do war on the poor, unsuspecting planet it had found. The signal was given, but, due to a huge cockup, the signal was given in yesterdays' one-time code and therefore could not be decoded. It was therefore disregarded. At that point, the fleet's home planet exploded for no adequately explored reason.
<P>The fleet upon returning and not finding their planet at it's previous location ejects the main navigator out an airlock and heads back, looking for the pulsar that they made their wrong turn at.
<P>Bah be gone with your unoriginal hitchhikers guide to the galaxy babble this story should be original!! yelled the narrator to the writers.
<P>As the writers tried to explain to the angry narrator that the plot wasn't EXACTLY like HGTG the actor that was playing the elf walked off the set and grabbed a cup of coffee only to notice what was in his cup there was a note saying:
<P>"We are just taking inspiration from other writings. It is what people do when they write. My Bynordian battle fleet was taken from a story I wrote when I was 13. Except in that story it was the Bynordian army attacking the "castle of the jewel", and it was set sometime in the Middle Ages. I don't see the problem with taking things that have been done before and re-doing them, it is just creativity in action"
<P>After the elf had read that the note it began to singe at the edges and then dissolved meanwhile, the Bynordian Terror Fleet (they picked up a heavy battle cruiser on the way making them a Terror Fleet instead of a Battle Fleet) eventually found their way back to the planet. The Fleet Admiralty decided that it was all the Elves fault and KABOOM ZAP KAPOW WAMMY BANG BANG BOOM BOOOOM WACK WACK POW ZAP KABLAM ping.
<P>After the loud noise the wind blew a pebble over on a beach.  After seeing how ineffective their weapons were the captain ordered the main engineer ejected out of the airlock.  Which, due to the fact they were in such a low orbit, created an Engineer Cannon! The engineer, just shot out of the airlock, crashes into the Elf at mach 999999999~! The elf survived however, due to his bad rash. He needed ointment, so he asked the local AI engineer who then made him a program to dispense ointment when required. He programmed it wrong however and the elf was soon drowning beneath 4,800 cubic meters of ointment. Children thought it was a mountain and began climbing it.
<P>The mountain however had about the consistency of quicksand, causing the deaths of the thousands of children who tried to climb it. On the other hand our hero managed to climb out on the corpses of the children so everything's all right then. Plus his skin was all soft and supple.  This helped very much later in life when the elf attempted to get a job as a model for ointment infomertials. 5 minutes later in life in fact. The elf walked into the infomertial offices and applied for the job. His soft supple skin allowed him to get the job rapidly, but he was then killed by another elf who was jealous of his amazing softness. Undeterred he began a career as the new messiah having resurrected himself and made lots of money.
<P>Unfortunately his life now took a turn for the worst. He began to waste his money on expensive cars and drugs and alcohol and became lazy and unfit. Eventually in his gluttony sprawl he was forced to declare himself bankrupt and go to live on the street, and then the Universe was created.  This made a lot of people very mad, and was widely regarded as a bad move.  Another note fluttered gently down from the heavens: "Grrrrr, stop quoting/paraphrasing other stories."  In other news, elephants are growing wings.
<P>"Omg leet" said the elf when he heard this.  He immediately decided to get a job, work really hard, get a second job, work equally hard at that ,raise lots of money and buy one of those elephants.  Completely ignoring the fact that he'd need one helluva pooper-scooper every time he took it for a walk. But that's another story.