<P><B><JC>The Child of the Four halves
<P>Hamsters and Author fights.
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<P>	For many thousands of years the story would be told, the moral being "Don't laugh when you've just been resurrected." In preparation for the thousands of years of story telling they forgot about what those who died and came back and died had been sent to do. It was only remembered when a 3 year old half dead half undead, half Lich, half alive elf asked his mummy, What were they doing before they died?
<P>The child of the four halves, as he would come to be called, played a major role in the world just after they dealt with the forgotten issue by creating a brand new form of shampoo. This enabled the people who were working on the problem to not worry any more about tangles or dry hair. The sorting out of the worlds issues went a lot faster after this. 
<P>There was still a slight matter of some guy (fallen elf) named Shstai'Loran who had been riding on a Black Dragon before everyone ignored him for thousands of years, but with a brand new form of shampoo and a lack of tangles and dry hair people were content to keep on ignoring him. 
<P>This time they decided to take a revolutionary and different and all together cool approach to sorting out the world's problems. This was because all pervious attempts had failed.
<P>The basic idea was
<P>We're all gonna kick back over a couple a' bears and have a chat. Maybe if were not too drunk one of us might say something useful.
<P>One of them did say something useful, but they were too drunk to remember what it was finally they decided to try to bribe the authors, not understanding that a perfect world would limit the ability to make story telling a valuable pastime. It was with this in mind, but with words like integrity that an author struck them down with the Cool Author Powers (TM).
<P>Then the child of four halves played his part.
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<P>But he couldn't get to the studio on time, because of the hamsters, that were demonstrating against the WTO, for making the new-rate shampoo more expensive to hamsters.
<P>Soon the demonstrators turned into an angry mob and the police was forced to shot them.  And we all know what happens of hamsters when you shot them with a standard police shotgun.
<P>The bullets bounce off and hit the trombone that the child of 4 halves was playing. But everybody hated the trombone, and this put everybody off the child of 4 halves forever. "Who ever heard of a child with 4 halves?" they scorned. "Can't he even count?". And the child of 4 halves was cast out of the world, to mourn what could have been and plot his revenge of all revenges, on the people of that unsuspecting world.
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<P>The worlds hamster population soon demanded equal rights.
<P>Many militant groups were made by the hamsters and were doing severe terrorist attacks to the story, like never letting the child have some part, the mysterious elf was now nowhere to be seen, etc.
<P>They even put Chris The Cynic to one of their prisons, so that he will be controlled, therefore making the evil hamsters (who had no right to have a mind of their own and should be eaten and tortured by elves and humans), the good guys.
<P>All this required was a subtle change in the way people thought. Soon murdering people was regarded as a right and proper way of carrying out your business, while people nice to people was the devils work. And nobody found anything strange about this, because it was just what was done. And questioning it was to question the very backbone of the society that made them great.
<P>But I, being me, who is Chris the Cynic,, used my Cool Author Powers (TM) to escape. I returned the child of four halves to prominence, made an extra large bit of text (see all around) took him away from the stupid population of the world once they realized what could have been, moved onto a cruise ship from which I rule a different world bought with the money I got from that shady bet, and dropped some biblical like plagues down on the populous. The worst of which was forcing everyone, especially the hamsters to listen to that damn hamster dance some for the next millennia or two. The hamsters that imprisoned me were forced to listen to it forever.
<P>Further more I decided that just to emphasize their suffering we should tell the story of the horrible and contorted happening during those millennia of hamster dance and biblical plague.
<P>This part should serve as a warning: do not [thunder and earthquake because swears just arent cool enough] with an author. Those last words were written in the free-floating blood of a thousand hamsters across the sky in every language including those that dont exist.
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<P>Being so mislead in his own lie, that convinced him that he was the author, he gave in to pleasures of immoralism, wasting all his money on cheap grog(TM) and made him a grogoholic.
<P>He soon realized the paradox.
<P>He was the author (or so he thought), but so many bad things are happening.
<P>He soon got a job as a detective, who was searching for the author.
<P>It all started with the murder.  Sure the child became a worthless playboy being controlled by the mob. I didn't matter to me. I'm just investigating.
<P>The body was full of transgenics and blood.  Clearly the work of the author. But that was past me. Soon as I got back I saw a babe.
<P>The babe wore red.
<P>I'd seen babe before. The pig definitely did not wear red. But here he was, wearing red.
<P>It was at this point that he realized that if this was all detectiving was going to be he wanted out. 
<P>He did get out of detectiving, then pulled out the story, checked it again, found out he was an author, and that he was capable of writing in firstpersion-thirdperson. He decided that if the other authors were going to go around invalidating the plot he would hit e[LP]e over the head with a rock. While these two authors were fighting the world suffered the consequences, which included Frencheig links, Kunio ballasties and jimmycrackers ramblings.
<P>Since the world was already in turmoil, because of the never-ending Armageddons, this posed to the people as nothing new. Life goes on.
<P>But me (e[LP]e), who was fighting with Chris the Cynic, found out, that we weren't the only authors.
<P>Soon Alginon, SD47, WS and many others were feeling left out of the story, so I (e[LP]e) made them characters, which were all really cool. The coolest characters ever. Needless to say, Alginon was the coolest of them all. He was, like, uber cool, being all 1337 and stuff. He was just the most ultimate person there, because, like, everybody else was like stupid and ugly and stuff like that so Alginon was like soo much better than them all. The story moved away from Alginon now because nobody likes to hear the truth someone being so up on themselves.
<P>Suddenly, LP decided to oust the GM of this dungeon and use uber-godly powers to create a Shrine to Alginon. However, as soon as the shrine was built he disappeared in a puff of logic after creating the Babel Fish. Thus, the original GM stepped back in, but failed to notice the Shrine to Alginon because it was shrouded in secrecy by Chris the Cynic, now done with hitting e[LP]e over the head with a rock. While e[LP]e was recovering from his concussion Chris the Cynic decided that for the sake of consistency he would again be called chris the cynic and that he should bring back a less arrogant version of Alginon for he had been a good author.
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<P>And then Trogdor smote the Kerrek, and all was laid to burnination. SD47 walked in and gave everyone a link. http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail62.html 
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<P>A sudden silence hit the Earth.
<P>For a while nothing happened.
<P>And still nothing happened.
<P>Then there was a slight whisper, a sudden spacious whisper of open ambient sound. Every hi-fi set in the world, every radio, every television, every cassette recorder, every woofer, every tweeter, every mid-range driver in the world quietly turned itself on.
<P>Every tin can, every dustbin, every window, every car, every wineglass, every sheet of rusty metal became activated as an acoustically perfect sounding board.
<P>The Earth was going to be treated to the very ultimate in sound reproduction, the greatest public address system ever built. But there was no concert, no music, no fanfare, just a simple message:
<P>Huh?
<P>The PA died away.
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<P>Nobody cared. Mainly because nobody heard. The earth proceeded to do this a total of 2 more times. Nobody heard again. This was the most depressing thing ever to happen. It was the most advanced PA system ever, yet it would never be seen, never be used, never be heard, never have vital sound waves course though it's electrical wiring, never broadcast the voice of a politician saying what they are not about to do, never be the cause of a huge communications mix-up at an organized star-trek gathering, never be completely ignored by a bunch of school kids more interested in sticking Jonny's foot in some dog poo, never broadcast the wrong timetable at the busiest train station ever (which a planet in a near galaxy had just done), nothing. It was a complete waste of time really
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<P>Suddenly, a sugar-induced teenage thief started stealing underwear from girls. His name was Elais-meganic-ishka-irinisalpa-sudumitaganic of Erionai lipadicad farzonup. Most people just called him Jacob. Jacob was angry. He was angry because of a large golf club. The golf club had committed nasty crimes, including armed robbery, clubbing people, breaking stuff and golfing.
<P>Thus, the world was outraged, and demanded immediate rectification of the situation by legislation making so that the closest people could come to golfing was watching Caddyshack. This made everyone happy and in this moment of bliss a dark and shady group of hamsters who quite enjoyed golfing and utilized the earth PA system to broadcast Caddyshack to the entire world. This time, however, it worked because they had, TROGDOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! under their control, and Trogdor burninated everything except for the Hamsters and golf courses. After everything was burninated Trogdor and the Hamster played golf and didn't stop for 10 years until the world ended, again. Everyone would have sighed if they hadn't all died, again. All in all it would have been repetitive and uninteresting if it weren't for the fact that the world ended in a new and different way. It involved a rubber band, a paper clip, and a can of hair spray. 
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<P>This, however, was a good thing as it allowed the hamster "Olga" to finish getting her perm and not have to worry about getting hair spray in her eye, falling onto a rubber band, and flinging a paper clip at the sensitive "World Instant Auto Destruct" switch. In fact, here perm was so good That everyone failed to notice that the world had ended and they had all died, life went on the same despite a lack of it.
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<P>Until one day Trogdor wanted to burninate but found out that he couldn't because he was not alive. What many people do not know is that Hamsters and Dragons are scientific geniuses, and with all of their minds put together they started to build a type of dimensional transporter which they would use to enter a world where they could live. But Puff the Magic Dragon came in from the land of Honalee and kicked their asses to stop it, Puff then returned to Honalee where he lived happily forever with the descendants of that bastard Jackie Paper (who had ditched him.)
<P>But poor Puff the Magic Dragon didn't end up living happily forever as Jackie paper came back to him and beat him up.
<P>Bastard! said Puff the Magic Dragon as Jackie who was holding something that is dripping with blood walked away. Then Puff tried to dry his hands on his newly permed hair that he permed himself using the hairs pray he found, but there was no hair. Jackie turned around and produced Puffs hair then kept on walking away from him. Puff enraged screams, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" then he disappeared into the land of characters who are no longer involved in the plot, that land was somewhere near my cruise ship from which I(chris the cynic) rule that world (not the world of the story but that world.)
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<P>Him gone we could get back to progressing the plot.
<P>Which, due to lack of developed memory every hamster had forgotten about now. Until, that is, the clouds, upon which they were living out their afterlife, began to precipitate, dropping them on the land of Flibberdy-goop(R)(TM).
<P>This was something new as they were neither sheep nor mice.
<P>They looked liked something between a rat and a dog. So when they looked at each other they came to a unanimous decision to call themselves rogs. The first declaration of the rogs is steal, lie, cheat and burninate your way though life at all times. This they carried out with great zeal.

