<COMMENT>Don't look at me that way! This was spawned from Grub's sick mind, not mine</COMMENT>
<P>Apprehended individuals this quarter:
<P>
<P>12 hackers
<P>15 crackers
<P>37 script kiddies
<P>19 myg0ts
<P>42 illegal aliens
<P>9,085 spammers
<P>442,062,165,972 adware and spyware programs
<P>73 atomic bipedal warheads
<P>28 mexican rebels from PlanetQuake
<P>69 Duke Nukem fanatics
<P>14 incredibly alarming and annoying Deus Ex n00bs
<P>112 anime tentacle rapists
<P>58 disgruntled e-postal workers
<P>81 nighttime newscasters
<P>508,120 daytime newscasters
<P>43 bakers
<P>98 quakers
<P>3 candlestick makers
<P>800 gingerbread guerilla warfare tacticians
<P>2,168,512 ballistic airports
<P>The upper torso of Robert Redford