<P><DC=128,128,128><JC>TOOL
<P><JC>by JHW
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<P><JC>7: Suicide
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<P>I register the terror in his eyes, hidden well - but not quite well enough - behind a mask of caution and calm analysis. He wants me to think he's got everything under control. That he's attempting to come up with a solution to the situation. Maybe he is, but he knows as well as I that he's already failed. He's staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, and what he sees down there, his own private vision of death, is wiping his mind clear; eradicating his ability to think logically. He wouldn't be able to put 2 and 2 together right now.
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<P>I smile. Maybe to see his reaction. It's a cold smile, my smiles always are. I've caused too much suffering to smile properly. A smile is no longer within my physical abilities. For a moment, his mask drops and I can see straight into the depths of his horror, but it also seems to set his mind in motion.
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<P>"You snapped. When you killed Monica, you snapped." He wants me to think he knows how my mind works, but he knows as little as I do. He can't help me. "Look... don't kill me for no reason, man. I've known you since high school! I can't imagine what it's like to kill somebody you love. I... I know it was terrible, man, I know you're hurtin'. Don't make it worse than it already is! There was nothing you could do, man, you had no choice! You just need some help, for God's sake! You just need to talk to somebody. I'm here for you! I am... Talk to me. I want to help you."
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<P>I don't want help. I want him to know I'm not mad. I felt nothing when I killed her, that's the problem. I wanted to feel sorrow. I NEEDED to feel sorrow. There's nothing wrong with me, except... I'm not hurting. I need to hurt a little. This will help. This is bound to help. If this won't hurt, nothing will ever hurt. What am I then? Am I real?
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<P>A murder is just an extroverted suicide, I once heard. It's true in so many ways, I know that. I have years of experience with it, killing myself a piece at a time. One day maybe, I'll kill the last piece and die with it. Or maybe I already have.
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<P>He falls silent. I pull the trigger.
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<P>It didn't help.