<COMMENT>Grub again</COMMENT>
<P><JC><B>Jail House Contractions
<P><JC>By Zaphod
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<P>It is late at night. Mountainside. Raining. A twisty road going up the mountain. A large armored truck is driving up it. Inside the truck are 12 men in orange jumpsuits all talking with each other. One scrawny guy with a moustache looks around. Everyone else is looking really bored. Being that he is going to be living with these guys for the next 45 years, he might as well strike up a conversation.
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<P>He clears his voice so that all the people look in his direction. "So," he says, "what are you all in for?"
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<P>The men look around at eachother. A very tall, barrel chested man speaks. "We're all in the for the same thing." The moustache man looks around again. He is waiting for a reply from one of them. "Well, um, what is it?" All the other guys are silent for about 6 seconds. Then a short man with a mohawk nods at the tall man. This is his sign to begin. 
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<P>"We're all guilty of robbery, you see." he says. The moustache man looks a bit confused. "Did you say you were in here for -robbery?-" he asks, his left eyebrow raised above his right, creating some wrinkles on his forehead. The tall man nods. "Yes."
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<P>Moustache man's eyebrows have switched places. "But we're all going away for most of our lives! What could you have possibly done for a robbery that would do this?" He says. He opens his eyes a little wider. "You didn't kill anyone did you?"
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<P>Tall man shakes his head no. "No, we didn't actually kill anyone. We wouldn't do a thing like that. We're strictly non-physical violence."
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<P>All his cohorts nod in agreement. Moustache man thinks for a moment, then looks back at the tall man. "What was it then? What could've possibly put you away this long?"
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<P>The tall man smiles. "We stole from a sperm bank."
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<P>The moustache man chokes on his own saliva. "You stole from a... sperm bank...?"
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<P>Tall man nods. His cohorts nod. "I don't understand..." says moustache man. "You're all getting 45 years for stealing from a SPERM BANK?"
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<P>"Not just any sperm bank," says tall man, "the Swiss Sperm Bank!" "The largest sperm bank in the world!" says an old man with a beer gut with satisfaction. "It has the sperm from every major figure in historical history!" says another man with long hair and an eyepatch. "Genghis Kahn, Socrates, Henry V, Steven Spielberg, Sigmund Freud, you name it!" says the tall man. "It was a real pain in the neck getting Freud's sperm. We had to sit through 5 hours of discussion about phallic symbols." says the short man with the mohawk. "But, it was worth it."
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<P>"And that nets you 45 years?!" asks the moustache man. 
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<P>The tall man shakes his head no again. The cohorts nod in agreement. 
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<P>"No," he says, "that would get us 3 years. The real noodle fryer in this one is..."
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<P>His cohorts all look around. Nervously. One of them coughs. Moustache man waits for a reply once more, this time in suspense and curious intrigue. How did they get 45 years?
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<P>The tall man takes a deep breath.
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<P>"We drank it ALL."
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<P>The moustache man is silent. He puts his right index finger in his right ear and rubs his finger around in it. His brain is still trying to comprehend what just went into it. "Wha... what?"
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<P>"We drank everything we stole."
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<P>"But... but...  wha..."
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<P>He then notices right there and then that all the men have very large stomach regions. He then notices that the driver is dead. Stabbed in the back. A man in another orange jumpsuit is driving. "No..." They're all staring at him. "NO..." They begin to move in on him. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" They all grab him. "We want you to be the mother to our children!!!" proclaims the tall man. All the panic and horror built up over an entire lifetime suddenly comes together into one big, terrible emotion.
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<P>The truck continues its long trek up the mountainside as a distant, muffled scream eminates from within. The rain continues to pour. 
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<P>THE END